Surprising Joy in Writing Your Own Will
When we think of an obituary, we usually imagine a public announcement of someone’s death – a final summary left to our grieving family to pen after we are gone.
But what if you flipped the script? What if YOU write your own obituary right now? Far from being a morbid obsession, this exercise can be profoundly meaningful way to reflect on who you are, what matters most to you and how you want your life to be remembered.
I recently embarked on this unusual journey, prompted by a quiet moment of introspection. The initial apprehension quickly gave way to a surprising sense of clarity, gratitude and even joy. It’s not about tempting fate, but about taking the reins of your own narrative, crafting the remaining chapters yourself.
The Unexpected Benefits: An Emotional and Psychological Inventory
The psychological benefits of writing your own obituary are surprisingly robust. It's an opportunity for a life review, a chance to take stock of your accomplishments, your passions, and the impact you've had on the world.
According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada, therapists use this exercise to help clients clarify values and find purpose. It’s a way to hold up a mirror to your current life; if the obituary you write doesn't match the life you're living, it serves as a powerful catalyst for change.
Gratitude and Appreciation: As I began to list key events and relationships, a wave of gratitude washed over me. I found myself appreciating the people and moments I might have otherwise taken for granted – both the good ones and the challenging ones.
Clarity of Values: What truly matters to you? This exercise forces you to distill your life down to its essence, revealing your core values and priorities. It’s a powerful compass for how you want to live the rest of your days.
Legacy and Purpose: Beyond the practicalities, writing your obituary can solidify your understanding of your legacy. What mark do you want to leave? What stories do you want to be preserved? This can ignite a renewed sense of purpose.
Encourages Deep Self-Reflection: While confronting mortality can be daunting, it can also be incredibly liberating. Acknowledging the finite nature of life can inspire you to live more fully, to seize opportunities, and to mend relationships.
Reduces Burden on Loved Ones: Family is emotionally overwhelmed after a death. Giving them your own version of your life story in your preferred words, tone and details can be a gift that eases their burden at a difficult time.
When to Write: A Lifelong Project
Is there a "right" age to write your obituary? Experts from AARP recommend thinking of your obituary as a living document, one that you revisit and edit. Here are some life milestones to start writing or prompt editing:
Young Adulthood (20s-30s): This can be a wonderful time to set intentions. What kind of person do you aspire to be? What experiences do you want to have? Think of it as a roadmap for your future self.
Midlife (40s-50s): As you accumulate more life experience, relationships, and perhaps a family, your perspective shifts. This is a great time to reflect on your impact and refine your narrative.
Later Life (60s+): With a fuller tapestry of memories, this stage offers the deepest reflection. It’s a chance to savor your journey and ensure your story is told accurately and meaningfully.
Major Life Transitions: Marriage, parenthood, change in career, retirement.
Crafting Your Story: Guidelines and Creative Flourishes
Here are some guidelines on what goes into an obituary, including creative ideas that incorporate your unique personality:
Start with the Basics:
Full Name and Dates: Your birth date and (eventually) your passing date.
Place of Residence: Where you lived for most of your life or where you considered home.
Parents and Key Family Members: Acknowledging your roots.
Key Relationships:
Spouse/Partner, Children, Grandchildren: List them by name.
Siblings, Close Friends: Who were the anchors in your life?
Creative Touch: Instead of just listing names, add a brief, loving phrase about their significance. "Survived by his beloved wife, Sarah, his rock and partner in adventure for 50 years."
Education and Career:
Degrees and Institutions: Where you studied.
Professional Accomplishments: Significant roles, achievements, and contributions.
Creative Touch: Rather than a dry list of job titles, highlight the impact you made or the passion you brought to your work. "A tireless advocate for environmental justice, John dedicated his career to protecting our planet's most vulnerable ecosystems."
Hobbies, Passions, and Interests:
What brought you joy? What did you love to do in your free time?
Creative Touch: This is where your personality can truly shine. Did you have an unusual hobby? A quirky obsession? "An avid collector of antique thimbles, Mary's collection numbered over 3,000, each with its own story." Or, "Known for his legendary barbecue, friends fondly recall his secret spice rub and the laughter that filled his backyard."
Community Involvement and Contributions:
Volunteer work, affiliations, causes you supported.
Creative Touch: Emphasize the spirit of your contributions. "A quiet force in her community, Eleanor dedicated decades to tutoring children, believing every child deserved a chance to shine."
Character and Personality Traits:
How would you want to be remembered? Kind, witty, adventurous, resilient?
Creative Touch: Share a short, illustrative anecdote that encapsulates your spirit. "He was famously optimistic, often quoting, 'Every day is a good day, some are just better than others.'"
Final Message/Legacy:
What enduring message do you want to leave behind? What wisdom would you share?
Creative Touch: This can be a heartfelt thank you, a call to action, or a memorable quote. "May his spirit of curiosity inspire us all to never stop learning and exploring."
More Than Words
While engaging in this process, you may start to realize there is more about you than a few paragraphs. And that should be a comforting feeling. What may be uncomfortable is figuring out how to include everything you want to in your legacy. And it doesn’t have to be crammed into a single written article.
Here are a few additional ways to round out your legacy:
· Letters to loved ones. Expressing gratitude, love or regrets.
· Life soundtrack. Music is a big part of our entire lives. Include a list of songs that shaped your life and add a ‘why’.
· Photos. Create a visual obituary or digital scrapbook that weaves images with short captions.
· Videos. Sometimes there are stories that are longer than a caption. Schedule a Legacy Film to include your photos, but also your stories told in your own voice. And this will be passed on to future generations.
· Printed Magazine. Write your own or sit down with a professional to organize and digitize your top photos and to help write your life story from over the decades. This makes for a beautiful, tangible keepsake to leave behind.
What's Next? Safekeeping and Sharing
Once you've poured your heart and soul into this reflective piece, what do you do with it?
·Safekeeping: Do not bury it in a dusty drawer. Store it with other important documents like your will, living trust, or advanced directives. Consider a fireproof safe or a secure digital vault accessible to trusted individuals. Some options:
Physical Storage: Keep a printed copy in a clearly labeled three-ring binder or a dedicated "Death File" alongside your will and insurance
papers.
Digital Storage: Store it on an external hard drive or a secure password manager like 1Password or LastPass. Avoid general cloud
storage for sensitive personal info, but consider legacy-specific apps designed to deliver messages after you pass.
Inform Loved Ones: This is crucial. Tell your spouse, children, or a close friend that you've written your obituary and the exact location it can be found. Explain why you wrote it – not out of morbid fear, but out of love, foresight, and a desire to ease their burden during a difficult time. even include a "Letter of Last Instruction" that explains your preferences for where it should be published (e.g., a specific local newspaper or an online memorial site).
Share (If You Wish): You might choose to share parts of it, or even the whole thing, with close family members. It can spark wonderful conversations about your life, your hopes, and your memories. It’s an opportunity for connection, not just a document for the future.
Writing your own obituary isn't a morbid task; it's an act of profound self-reflection and love. It's a gift to yourself, allowing you to shape your narrative, and a gift to your loved ones, providing comfort and guidance when they need it most. It’s a chance to truly consider your life, and in doing so, to perhaps live it even more fully.